Is It Worth the Fight? Navigating Marital Conflicts

By Mayra Richards

Have you ever looked at your spouse and thought: “Is it worth the fight?” You noticed something and it bothered you but you aren’t sure whether to say something or not. From my years of experience sitting with couples and in my personal life, yes it is! It is worth the fight. Hear me out. First, you need to establish safe conflict rules. Here are some pretty strict rules that EVERY marriage, and especially a Jesus loving marriage, should follow:

• No insults. Not even the ones you think are small like calling your spouse “dumb.” Smaller insults are disrespectful and when you insult your spouse you are disrespecting God’s creation and identity over your spouse.

• No yelling. If you start raising your voice, tell your spouse that you are heated and that you will come back to the conversation in 25 minutes. 20 minutes to slow your heart rate and 5 to clear your head. Notice that I did NOT say, tell your spouse when he/she is getting heated. You can only control YOUR actions, so do just that.

• No chasing someone around the house so they can hear you. It never works, and it crosses a boundary. If a person walks away, it’s usually because they are feeling unsafe, so let them take the space he/she needs.

Conflict simply means that there is disagreement and tension. Conflict is healthy and necessary in a relationship, but you need to learn to do it well. Here are some practical ways to voice something in your marriage:

• Ask: “Hi, I noticed something. Are you in a place where I can share openly with you?” Let No be an acceptable answer. It is totally fair for the person to be honest and say, “No.” Believe me, you do not want to voice something that will not be heard.

• If they are open, share with kindness, curiosity, and grace. “I noticed your frustration over _________ and your reaction. It does not seem like you. What’s going on?” This lets them know what you notice but more importantly that you know that in their healthy state, it would be different. You are voicing concern that something is off for them.

• When you feel disconnected in your marriage, share how you feel, not what is going wrong. “Hi, I really value our marriage and I’ve been feeling disconnected because we haven’t had quality time. I know we both have a lot going on, would you be open to coming up with ideas for our marriage rhythms that might connect us again?” It is easy for us to point out to our spouses the amount of times they haven’t planned a date night, but this will not take us anywhere good. You are blaming the other AND it takes two people to disconnect. There is one who is pulling away and the other one who says nothing and just wants their spouse to notice it. Both behaviors are passive and harmful.

• Know Your Season: Huge life transitions are really hard on a marriage. Knowing the season that you are in is very important because you need to always give grace. Some seasons require an extra sprinkle of grace.

• Make space for both to have feelings about the subject. My husband and I had a discussion the other night and I felt sad for a decision he made (it was not a right or wrong type of decision or a harmful one). He felt relieved after he made the decision. He did not like me feeling sad AND as much as he wants to fix it, he can’t. I am allowed to have feelings about it. Both of your hearts matter and because you are totally different people, you will feel differently about things. For me, I usually need more time with God to process before and after conflict to feel better about the whole situation. I want to come to God and do some heart searching. After I did that and knew where the sadness was coming from, I felt much better.

• Your Spouse may not be ready. We are not the final judgment and sometimes we speak up and have to wait for the other person to come around to the same conviction. Be prayerful and lean on trusting God to reveal to both of you when something needs to change.

I have sat with too many couples over the years who never say a thing because they think it is small… but the small things unsaid are what turn into bitterness and ultimately, the decision to end a marriage. When you find yourself in disconnection, speak up and address it! What you don’t have conflict over now, you will have to battle later and pay a much greater cost because of it. The question is not, “Is it worth the fight?”

The question needs to change to: “Will my marriage suffer if I don’t say something?”

This blog is not permission for you to pick at everything that is wrong with your marriage; this is about prayerfully taking inventory of the marriage you have and recognizing what you can do to make it better. The problem with marriage is not disconnection, we all go through it. The problem is letting disconnection linger for days, weeks, months and, for many, years. Here are some signs of a disconnected marriage:

1. Communicating only about practical things that have to be done

2. Lack of interest towards your spouse

3. Lingering unresolved conflict

4. Doing the same routine daily with no emotional communication

5. Minor annoyances turning into major grievances

6. No arguments at all

7. Lack of laughter

8. Lack of interest in physical touch

If you find yourself here, it’s time to do something about it. Take it as your sign. Your marriage does not have to be this way and there are many tools to get back into the marriage you dreamed of when you said, “I Do.” I am hopeful for your marriage, and I pray that your hope gets restored.

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